Hat-trick Stolen! - by Hoppy

Red Lions 4 – Kenley 0 –

Well, the team list provided much gunpowder and plot but despite the score line, the game seemed strangely an ill jointed and damp squib of an affair.

With JB unavailable, The Lions started with 11 on the pitch.

Welcome aboard, properly we hope for the duration, to Conrad and Doddsy, who both strongly contributed to the Lions first win of the season.

A sparkling start saw the bonfire started with accelerants from Charlie and Freddie causing havoc through the Kenley defence. An aerial dance of the ball between the pair saw the ball approaching the net, just in time for Hoppy to claim the mid-air honours as the ball was about to cross the line – Sorry Charlie!

Soon afterwards Conrad punched a cross towards the far side of the Kenly goal targeting Charlie again but intercepted by myself. Robbie had 10 to 1 that I would take the shot but with the Devil on one shoulder and Gabriel on the other, I decided to make amends and slot the ball across the goalkeeper for Charlie to throw a banger and make it 2 nil.

The Lions defence easily swept up any rear action and Mark advised at half time that he had only touched the ball once – but what a fine touch that was Mark! Geoff later revealed he had not touched the ball all the second half he played but enjoyed the run around.

Charlie slide about a bit and finally got a second by half time with a fine reverse stick rocket.

Unfortunately, after half time The Lions seemed to have run out of pallets to stoke the fire and whilst we dominated the game there was a lack of mo-jo – and short passes, as advocated by Doddsy at the half time talk as the way forward, whose first pass thereafter was worthy of Shack, crashing it into the backboard 80 yards away.

To be fair, The Lions could have scored a dozen had it not been the Kenley keeper firing like a Catherine Wheel and keeping all sorts out before a poor push trickled by him, barely a Penny Jack.

Umpire John and Conrad had an interesting conversation about back-sticks, rudely brought up in the bar again – he – he! Stand back and light the touch-paper!

Walders decided not to character assassinate anyone this week, no doubt having had a heavy week at COP about him burning down all the Welsh rainforests. He did however let me know that he and his wife apparently like to read my match reports in bed and they help them get in the mood…Just think it is important to share these things.

With everlasting thanks to our unsung heroes, Trevor was consulted on the pitch, whilst simultaneously thwarting an attack, on how to cook the lasagne for teas. He then donned his Marigolds at full time and spent more time in the kitchen than on the pitch. A heartfelt thanks Trev - and all those running the Club.

At the end of the game, it was noted that the Lions rear defence of 3 players had a combined age of 219 years, still watertight – at least on the pitch but perhaps not at midnight.

Kenley were great sports, generous in defeat and were great company in the bar – until it shut. Early.

Charlie – sorry (not!) for stealing your hat-trick – at least you will be toasty with your new double glazing soon.

Wade – I will find you on the side of the A21 on the way to Tonbridge next week.

Hope to see some absent friends soon.

Hoppy